Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second. “I froze to death,” says the second. “That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first. “It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How did you die?” says the second. “I had a heart attack”, says the first guy. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.” The second man shakes his head. “that’s so ironic” he says. “What do you mean?” asks the first man “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
Posts Tagged ‘husband’
At the pearly gates
Thursday, December 24th, 2009Wife dreaming
Sunday, December 20th, 2009Wife : “I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.”
Husband : “How about the ones like mine?”
Wife : “Those they gave away.”
Husband : “I had a dream too…I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.”
Wife : “And how much for the ones like mine?”
Husband : “That’s where they held the auction.”
Going to Las Vegas
Saturday, November 21st, 2009A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says. “I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. “Where do you think you going?” the wife asks. “I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”
The weather man
Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009It is two o’clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking came from the other end of the line and the husband says “How the heck do I know – what am I, the weather man?” and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?” The husband replies, “I don’t know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
Wife won the lottery
Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009Woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,
“Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!”
“Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
“Whatever. Just so you’re out of the house by noon!”
Romantic weekend in Alaska
Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said ” honey my hands are cold again”. So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, “honey my hands are cold again”. She then said, ” Damn don’t your ears ever get cold?”
Married for 20 years
Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife “Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill” She ignores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, “Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!” She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, “If you think I’m gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.”
Out buying cigarettes
Monday, September 21st, 2009A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
“Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Quick give me some talcum powder!”
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious. “Where the hell have you been!”
He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.” “Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
“Damn liar, you were out bowling again!”
The accountant… and his wife
Sunday, September 20th, 2009A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads…
Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.”
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows…
Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND, you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”