A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this…when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?”
Who enjoys sex most?
June 24th, 2010Your girlfriend is ugly when…
June 22nd, 20101 – She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.
2 – As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.
4 – She startles the animals at the zoo.
5 – On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.
6 – She makes onions cry.
7 – Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.
8 – Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.
9 – The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.
10 – When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.
Crotchless panties
June 21st, 2010One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited.
When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. “Come over here baby.” she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, “If your pussy can do that to your panties – I ain’t going any where near it!”
What’s a pussy?
June 20th, 2010A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. “Mom”, the boy asks, “What’s a pussy?”
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says “Son, that is a pussy.” the son then asks “What’s a bitch?” The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says “Son, this is a bitch.”
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says “Dad, what’s a pussy?” The father doesn’t want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says “Son, this is a pussy!”
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks “Then, what is a bitch?”
The dad replies, “That’s everything outside the circle!”
A depressed young woman
June 20th, 2010A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. ‘What are you doing here?’ the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”
The captain looked at her, “He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.’
Just married
June 19th, 2010A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentile, I’m still a virgin.” The husband being shocked, replied, “How’s this possible? You’ve been married three times before.” The wife responds, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I miss him!”
Sex in the forest
June 19th, 2010A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”. The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”
The prettiest girl in town
May 24th, 2010A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.
“Well, okay,” he says, “how about a blowjob?” “Yuck!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”
He says, “Well, then, how about a handjob?” “I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”
“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?” She nods. “Well, it’s just like that.”
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.
“Take your thumb off the end!!”
At the obstetrician’s office
May 22nd, 2010A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After the exam, she shyly said, “My husband wants me to ask you…”, to which the doctor replies “I know…I know…” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” “No, that’s not it,” the woman confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
In the middle of nowhere
May 21st, 2010A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off.
He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says “What’s up with your neighbors?” and the owner of the house says “Oh that’s the Robinson’s, they’re both deaf. She’s telling him to go milk the cow and he’s telling her to go fuck herself!”