A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, “What’s wrong with Schlitz, don’t you like it? The man says, “I hate that shit”. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, “You drink a case of any beer you’re going to blow chunks”. You don’t understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.
Archive for January, 2010
PENIS
Friday, January 22nd, 2010One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word ‘PENIS’ (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word ‘PENIS’ was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!”
Hunter kills a deer
Friday, January 22nd, 2010A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won’t eat it if they know what it is – so he does not tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, “What’s for supper?” “You’ll see”, says his dad.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they’re eating. “Ok,” says her dad, “here’s a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me.” “We’re eating asshole!!”, she screams!
The little girl and her grandmother
Thursday, January 21st, 2010This little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks
“Granny, can you show me a magic trick?”
“No dear, but I think your grand father knows one.”
So the little girl walks over to her grandpa and asks
“Grandpa, granny says you know some magic tricks, could you show me one?” The grand father looks at her, “Sure, just hop on my lap!” So the little girl jumps on his lap.
“Now, can you feel a finger poking up your ass?” asks the grandpa,
“Yeah” replies the girl “Well look, no hands!”
Male patient masturbating
Wednesday, January 20th, 2010The queen of England was visiting one of Canada’s top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
“Oh my god!”, said the Queen, “That’s disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???”
The doctor leading the tour explains, “I’m sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly.”
“Oh, I am sorry” said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blowjob.
“Oh my God”, said the Queen, “What’s happening in there?”
The Doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”
Elderly man
Tuesday, January 19th, 2010There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand…nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing. My wife tried with her right hand…nothing. Her left hand…nothing. Her mouth…nothing. Then my wife’s friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth….still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife’s friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid off of the specimen cup.