February 2nd, 2010
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband to ‘Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin’.
‘What?’ said the puzzled groom.
‘How can that be possible if you’ve been married ten times.?’
‘Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.
‘Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he’d look into it and get back with me..
‘Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
‘Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
‘Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
‘Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
‘Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
‘Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. .
‘Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was …
God I miss him.
‘But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited’.
‘Wonderful’, said the husband, ‘but why?
To which she replied,
‘You’re with the ‘GOVERNMENT’ . ..
This time I KNOW I’M gonna get SCREWED!
Posted in Dirty jokes | No Comments »
January 24th, 2010
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, “What’s wrong with Schlitz, don’t you like it? The man says, “I hate that shit”. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, “You drink a case of any beer you’re going to blow chunks”. You don’t understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.
Tags: bar, bartender, beer, dog
Posted in Dirty jokes | No Comments »
January 22nd, 2010
One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word ‘PENIS’ (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word ‘PENIS’ was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!”
Tags: classroom, penis, pupils, teacher
Posted in Dirty jokes | No Comments »
January 22nd, 2010
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won’t eat it if they know what it is – so he does not tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, “What’s for supper?” “You’ll see”, says his dad.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they’re eating. “Ok,” says her dad, “here’s a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me.” “We’re eating asshole!!”, she screams!
Tags: asshole, dinner, hunter, supper
Posted in Dirty jokes | No Comments »
January 21st, 2010
This little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks
“Granny, can you show me a magic trick?”
“No dear, but I think your grand father knows one.”
So the little girl walks over to her grandpa and asks
“Grandpa, granny says you know some magic tricks, could you show me one?” The grand father looks at her, “Sure, just hop on my lap!” So the little girl jumps on his lap.
“Now, can you feel a finger poking up your ass?” asks the grandpa,
“Yeah” replies the girl “Well look, no hands!”
Tags: grandpa
Posted in Dirty jokes | No Comments »
January 20th, 2010
The queen of England was visiting one of Canada’s top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
“Oh my god!”, said the Queen, “That’s disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???”
The doctor leading the tour explains, “I’m sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly.”
“Oh, I am sorry” said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blowjob.
“Oh my God”, said the Queen, “What’s happening in there?”
The Doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”
Tags: blowjob, hospital, masturbating, queen
Posted in Dirty jokes | No Comments »
January 19th, 2010
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand…nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing. My wife tried with her right hand…nothing. Her left hand…nothing. Her mouth…nothing. Then my wife’s friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth….still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife’s friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid off of the specimen cup.
Tags: pregnant
Posted in Dirty jokes | No Comments »
December 24th, 2009
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second. “I froze to death,” says the second. “That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first. “It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How did you die?” says the second. “I had a heart attack”, says the first guy. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.” The second man shakes his head. “that’s so ironic” he says. “What do you mean?” asks the first man “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
Tags: couple, dead, heart attack, husband, wife
Posted in Dirty jokes | No Comments »
December 22nd, 2009
A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. “What’s going on here?”, he asks. The guy sobs, “I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up.” The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. “I guess this isn’t your lucky day, pal!”
Tags: highway, officer, police
Posted in Dirty jokes | No Comments »
December 21st, 2009
Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity.
They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says “Oh no! That’s not how I want to spend all eternity…….”
They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says “Oh no! Not for me!”
They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, “Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it.” The Devil then says, “Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced.”
Tags: Bill Clinton, Devil, Hell, Monica Lewinsky
Posted in Dirty jokes | No Comments »